Everyone says divorce is messy. Believe them. As someone who survived a tumultuous separation and divorce, here are seven things I wish I had known beforehand.
1: Set Clear Boundaries
Establish boundaries and minimize distractions and altercations that cloud your judgment. Stay clear of naysayers and people who dim your light – this can include parents, siblings, neighbors, other relatives, friends, colleagues and soon-to-be former in-laws. This period of boundary setting may be temporary. Be prepared. Build your tribe, especially if you have to cut communication with toxic relatives or friends.
Remember that everything will be alright one day, even if it’s not today. When your mother and sister yell at you and take your ex’s side, don’t take it personally, focus on your children and chosen family. Your mom’s advice will be illogical (work full-time remotely while raising a two-year-old and a six-year-old), ignore it. Your mom might tell you to leave your house because you have no right to the home you lived in for almost a decade while raising a family. She will ignore that you paid half the down payment and primarily raised your children alone.
After your mother verbally kicks you out of her house, she might add that she plans to sue you for writing a memoir, and you’ve been disinherited from her will. It triggers a memory of when you were 12. You remember leaving your father’s abusive home to live with your mother. The custody lawyer your mother hires tells you that if your dad removes you from his will, that’s a way of discarding you as his child. You note your mother’s words. ‘You are no longer my child,’ and let the sting of discardment seep in.
Your sister’s taunts might turn into bodily harm. Your mom will sit within earshot of your sister slamming the door on your foot, and do nothing until you scream in excruciating pain. The scream gives her a knee-jerk reaction, and for a millisecond, she remembers that you, her daughter, are a human being, and she shouts, “Stop!” She almost forgot. But you’re not surprised at this behavior, after all, your mother and sister like playing the victims. You will always be their villain in their story.
The cops might revictimize you when you try to make a police report. They’ll ask inappropriate questions like: What did you do that made your sister react that way? They question your truthfulness for reporting on your own family. Later, you read Mariah Carey’s memoir, acknowledging how she refers to her toxic family members, ex-sister and ex-mother.
Build a team that will calm your nervous system – a lawyer, therapist, best friend, writing group and financial analyst. There will be many phone calls with everyone, but the lawyer charges hundreds by the hour. Keep emails and calls with the lawyer concise and direct. Find a minimum of two reliable babysitters who love children, because you cannot rely on those you once called family. Make real connections by sharing your raw story and emotions with your team- they need to know your story to be empathetic.
Keep it real as only you know how.
3: Protect Your Children and Your Heart
If you have children, do everything and anything to protect them from the ugliness of divorce, even if that means masking your emotions to protect theirs. Lean on your tribe, loved ones and therapists to deal with those feelings. Avoid falling in love during your separation to protect your heart and your children’s. Dating can lead to falling in love, which clouds one’s judgment, especially when vulnerable. Remain sharp and cognizant of oversharing and love bombing.
Photo courtesy of the author
4: Secure the Bag
Be innovative and clever with finances because the life you once knew will abruptly end, to the detriment of everyone involved. Be prepared because it will only get worse; it always gets worse. Credit cards can work temporarily; purchase wisely, and keep your credit score as immaculate as possible.
Below is a list of professionals you’ll need through the divorce process.
When you converse with {insert professional}, write down everything so you will have your thoughts and questions to address.
Remember:
Lawyer – marriage, custody, housing, and current and future finances
Financial advisor – all financial questions that will strengthen your case (a financial analyst is not necessary, but the right one can offer sound advice)
Therapist – emotional regulator and the person who keeps you out of jail by weighing your options. A good therapist questions your motives and guides you to make the best decision.
Best friend – all of the above and so much more.
6: Domestic Splitting
If you are moving, pack for both of your children’s households. Include everything they will want, need and miss. Declutter, donate and trash like you would for any move. Split items appropriately. However, if your ex doesn’t cook, you can take the good pots. Take only the items you will use; less is more, and you will likely move into a smaller home with more heart.
The two dozen Hess trucks that need the big batteries can stay. You take the toys that don’t need batteries, protecting your future sanity.
Before you relocate, you research a new town in a diverse community with a highly rated school district where you and your children can flourish and love.
Photo courtesy of the author
7: Remember the Past, Reimagine the Future
Stay in contact with those who support you. Keep your supporters close and avoid toxic ones. Remember Step 1, distance yourself from toxicity by setting boundaries.
Remember the good memories you shared—honeymoon, babymoon, birthday dinners and parties, resort vacations, holidays, beach days, children’s birth, first steps, first words, and all the other many firsts. Replay the memories like a movie reel in your brain on the toughest days, moments, or minutes.
As a child of divorce, it was not a trait I wanted to pass down to my children. I wanted to pass down the family customs and traditions we established together. Through perseverance and a creative persona, I aspire to give them boatloads of love, guidance, and support. Unintentionally, my children will experience grit, learn how to use their challenges, and become stronger people. Hopefully, they will also learn what I now know: life is messy, so build your best tribe, use your resources, and take it step by step.
Shabana Sharif writes for those who are of feel unseen—on the page and in the world. She is currently working on Pagli – A Memoir: Transcending a Brown Woman’s Scarred Body into an Empowered, Honest Existence, a personal reckoning with trauma, healing and reclaiming her voice as an Indo Caribbean woman.
In 2023, Shabana was named a finalist for the PEN Emerging Voices Fellowship and has since participated in Tin House’s 2024 Winter Workshop with Jeannie Vanasco and Summer Workshop with Safiya Sinclair.
The daughter of Guyanese immigrants and a descendant of Indian indentureship, Shabana brings the depth of diaspora to her work. She holds an Executive Master of Public Administration, an MS in Education and a BS in Marketing. She is a mother of two and lives just outside New York City.
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